Dull

28 March 2018

Well I have spent the day dull. Dull and depressed I suppose, on this day before the 6th anniversary of Vaughn’s death. Anniversary–what a word–it sounds oddly celebratory. Did I think I should feel a certain way? All these norms. All these conditioned ideas. All this trying to control the experience.

And yet I have just been dull. As I am so familiarly on less momentous days. ‘I’ don’t know what ‘I’ should feel. As soon as ‘I’ get into it the performance begins.

I am just hearing the dregs of the raindrops fall from the branches. Finally the rain has stopped. A dove has ventured out from wherever it’s been sheltering all day and is emitting its hooting call

As though saying, “Yes, I am still here. The rain has cleared. And we resume.” And what else can I do but resume? I have no choice in the matter. I resume along with everything else–the plants growing and they will adjust to climate change or not. Either way they’ll die–maybe their progeny will survive awhile, maybe not.

I resume as part of all this. A human experiencing loss. A human trying to learn not to try–ha!

Vaughn is my son forever. He is real to me. Trying or not trying makes no difference to that.

I don’t want to walk through those last memories now, even though the date is inviting me to. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. Really I just want to be alone and be quiet.

And if I’m dull I’m dull.