Fair?

13 May 2015

Well Vaughn, today I was there, unbidden, reliving those moments I decided to go down to Alameda instead of staying at the motel with you. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me later to call 911, but that is a different story.  That was perhaps stupidity. The decision to go to Alameda feels a lot more like selfishness. Selfishness and stupidity mixed together in a lethal dose.

The coroner says it was a lethal combination of meth and methadone that killed you. I wonder if my combination of selfishness and stupidity prevented me from saving your life.

I was there. Your mother. You were still breathing. Maybe I could have saved your life. But I didn’t

Instead I decided to go and buy you some food for when you woke up so I could go to Alameda and go dancing.

Even as I write this, I can feel there’s something not quite honest, not quite fair about it. Maybe because I’m not ‘there’ like I was earlier today. Reliving the thoughts and feelings I had then.

But I think some part of me was willing to take a gamble. Not a gamble that you would die, but a gamble that it would be better not to stay with you.

I just don’t want to write it again, or even think about it right now–how tired I was, what a difficult, virtually impossible situation it was.

And then more of the same. I’ve gone over it so many times–even if the paramedics had been able to revive you, even if you suffered no brain damage–what would have happened: Would you have learned your lesson? Stopped using and gone on to live your life? Probably not the most likely scenario .

But I always said there was still hope as long as you were alive. Hope died that day. Hope died that day maybe because I decided to go dancing. Surely that is too cruel, too unfair to me. Too simplistic.

And yet I need to forgive myself if I’m to carry on, Vaughn. Goodness knows I forgive you (even though I’m angry at you sometimes), and I know you forgive me. But still I ask you again,

Please forgive me, my darling Vaughn

Please forgive me for every harsh tone, every selfish, unkind action. I’m so sorry darling.

I hope to hold you again, Vaughn.

I know even if you were still here I would not/could not be a perfect friend or mother.

I will try to forgive myself.

I love you Vaughn.