Go Away

15 July 2013

I feel shitty I feel shitty I feel shitty I feel shitty I feel shitty I feel shitty I feel shitty

And I want it to go away

And it won’t

All I can do is give it time

Oh my darling Vaughn–the way I feel about you is so much worse than feeling shitty. Feeling shitty is a minor distraction compared to losing you. I will talk about that minor distraction now, okay? I don’t even think I can write about my feelings about you dying. I think it might kill me. No–it wont kill me, it’ll just make me wish it would.

Here I go–I’m feeling shitty about the impending breakup with a man I’d been in a relationship with at the time of Vaughn’s death. I have sometimes felt ashamed that I even had the energy to give a damn about that, but I’ve come to see it was a distraction from my grief about Vaughn, and maybe even a useful distraction, as I simply could not face the reality of my pain at that time.

I will lose this man, just like I lost Vaughn. And Don. And my mom. People just go away. People I love. People who love me. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

I don’t want impermanence. I want someone to stay–at least until one of us dies. Someone I can love and who will love me. Livia, of course. But even though she will stay, she has to make me a smaller part of her life as she gets older. It’s inevitable.

Fuck impermanence.