it sux

6 June 2013

I think it’s the 6th of June. 6-6-13. Two months and 8 days since Vaughn died. Yes Tina, “it sux day after day.” And she’s three years out.

I will feel pain forever. It’s stupid–futile–to think it will ever go away. On my deathbed I will still remember Vaughn. My darling boy. He is always my darling boy. Will I ‘see’ him again? God how I wish I believed that.

My darling boy–to see you–freed from your addiction–what would I give for five seconds of that?

I will NOT get caught up in how “wrong” this was. That makes no sense. It’s “wrong” for any young person to die. And yet they do. All the time, all over the world. All of their mothers, sisters, cousins, and friends are heartbroken and know it shouldn’t have happened.

And it did. It just fucking did.

And Don died too. He just did.

Is the world against me? Wow–what a huge ego trip that would be. People die. Losses are not distributed randomly (well they are–but random doesn’t mean equal) through the population.

I got more than some people. I’m not the only one. Will I let this destroy me? I already know the answer to that question.

I will feel what I feel. And I will go on.