Numb

2019

Sleepy and numb today–not knowing what to do with myself. And judgemental–goes without saying–in this state which I have experienced so often in my life. So often that it feels like ‘me’. The real me. Depressed, disoriented and drifting.

Is it a chemical issue? Is it grief? Is it philosophical, existential? I tell myself it will pass. I wonder how anyone can love me. I feel sorry for myself–I wish I didn’t have these feelings.

But I always have. The grayness that encompasses me. A smothering glove.

And when I feel joy–is it fake? Something I borrow from my circumstances? Rely on others for?

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.

I know I PREFER the joy. How could one not? I try not to chase it–but I do a bit. I probably need to try harder not to reject the fog. But ugh.

Funny thing is that I love fog. It’s so beautiful and alive as it slithers through the hills. Yet it does muffle sounds and block out light.

The apples are forming; a woodpecker is hopping backwards down the tree trunk; someone’s barbequing; Minky’s installed on the lounge next to me performing a post-prandial wash.

Next door Bob’s door opens and closes–what is his life like–an elderly alcoholic–and how much sympathy do I have for him? And how hard am I on myself?

And how did I get so fucking old???