Stupid

5 February 2019

I have just put into my blog a journal page from 2016 where I wrote about my pain at the stupid decision I made to let Vaughn go back on Ritalin. And yes, I almost feel like I encouraged him.

And there it is again–the guilt–no, much much more than guilt. The extreme regret and self-hatred I feel at having made that very poor decision.

It’s like being smothered. I can’t go back and think about it more carefully this time.

I’m sorry Vaughn. You said I didn’t let you down–you must have known I would be sure I had.

I’m absolutely positive I let you down–numerous times–at the exact same time as I know I’m being unfair to myself.

All that matters is that you are gone.

I can feel guilty. I can hate myself. I can forgive myself. It doesn’t matter what I think, you are still gone.

But that is too harsh my darling, because you can never be gone from me. But I can’t see you or touch you or talk to you–not in the flesh anyway.

Oh I am rambling. I love you Vaughn.