xxxxxxoooooo

May 2016

Vaughn,

It’s one of those blustery nearly-summer early evenings with the fog thinking about blowing in. A bluejay is screeching just outside the door–it’s been perturbed about the cats for days–not sure what its goal is in following them around screeching.

I’ve been working in the garden most of the day.

I’ve been in a period of feeling a little better recently. No major tsunamis for awhile–just some tears. They fell through part of yoga on Wednesday, as they often do.

I think of you so often: when a stupid actor whines about being in jail for a few months; when a skinny kid is sitting on the wall at Safeway where you used to wait for me. Cameron is getting married, and just now I was wondering if I would have liked the girl you would have picked. I liked Bella, but you were so much nicer to her than she was to you. She took you for granted.

I also think about other things–like how to enjoy the rest of my life. I think I need to be less careful–certainly less fearful–in the time I have left.

Is that wrong? To think of my life? To want to be happy? In this moment it seems OK, but in another I wonder what kind of person could ever imagine being happy after losing their child. After losing you, Vaughn.

I miss you so terribly. And there are the tears.

I hope you are at peace darling.

I want to see you. I apologize for every impatient, unkind thing I did or said that made your life harder.          xxxxxxxxooooooo